Wonder Anew

a place to process personal difficulty

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Describing, just tell me what you see

 

A page from The Day I Became A Bird. an illustrated story about relationships and feelings. Ingrid Chabbert (Author). Raúl Nieto Guridi (Illustrator).

So I have a project where I practice talking with transparency and listening from the teller’s view. This is not easy.

I practice with a partner. We choose a topic (like this one), and begin with something that feels somewhere between silly and arduous: we describe.

Describe?

Yep. We say what we see. (Are you getting the oh-man-this-is-easy thought? Maybe let that go.)

To describe means slowing down and paying attention. Maybe silence the phone. Off switch it. (Tie it up and hide it?)

Marie Howe, a writing teacher at Sarah Lawrence College and poet laureate of New York, talks about how hard it is for students to describe. So hard that she assigns them a simple task for months: Write ten things that you see each day.

“Just tell me what you saw this morning in two lines…I saw a water glass on a brown table and the light came through it in three places. No metaphor… We want to say, ‘It was like this; it was like that.’” Howe says no, no, no. No abstractions. And then she ponders why it’s hard. ‘We want to look away. To be with a glass of water, to be with anything—and then [the students] say, ‘Well, there’s nothing important enough.’ And that’s the whole thing. The point. Because to describe means that you have to resist metaphor and actually endure the thing itself, which hurts us for some reason.”

When I describe, I have to be present with what I’m looking at. When I listen to my partner, I have to be present with the topic and the teller.

And that’s not the only challenge. There’s often a notion that I think you see what I do. (Maybe let that thought go, too.) Because we see things differently.

“People seem to believe that if what they are asked to describe is in front of you and them, then they think there is no need to say what they see because they wrongly assume that we all see the same things in the same way. We do not. We look at things differently, we notice different aspects, and we use different words when we tell about what we see (Terry Barrett, CRITS, Bloomsbury Publishing, London, 2018).

Describing becomes a foundation for being awake to what is happening, feeling heard, seeing anew, and a catalyst for connection. From my practice so far, I am going to say that’s a promise.

NOTES

Marie Howe’s quotes are from a marvelous On Being (Krista Tippet) podcast. (On Being, an interview, The Power of Words)

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: CRITS, describing, empathetic listening, Krista Tippet, Marie Howe, On Being, Project Talk + Listen, talking with transparency, Terry Barrett

My Earth Day sweat to keep trees from growing.

Carrotwood Tree seed pod. Susan Michael Barrett.

“What are you doing, Susan?” a neighbor asks.

“Picking up Carrotwood seeds.”

“Why?”

“To take care of the babies.”

“Babies?”

“Oh. I mean the mangroves. Mangroves are the ocean’s nurseries.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You see, birds, especially that American fish crow, binge on these like I eat potato chips. And then they poop them everywhere.” I point out a vociferous antiphonal caw duet between a pair perched nearby.

“Say more.”

“Mangrove Trees aren’t highly competitive. The aggressive Carrotwood Trees are. They’re altering the natural biodiversity. So these potential trees deeply affect our oceans.”

“I didn’t know that.”

(Pause.)

“I’ll help you pick them up.”

Yesterday was the first time I noted Earth Day by the trees I kept from growing.

Usually I plant trees.

For years, I registered my tree plantings with Wangari Maathai’s Green Belt Movement program. Her goal was to inspire people worldwide to plant a million trees. (To date, 51 million trees have been planted.).

Guess how she started?

She gathered her Kenyan gal pals to search nearby forests for seeds of native trees to create what she called “tree nurseries.”

There’s so much more to her story (find her book, Unbowed), but what matters here is how she inspired me to read about trees, butterflies, insects, birds, and biodiversity. I began to understand how ecosystems work and how slight tilts can have significant effects.

And I started caring a lot about trees.

Last week I finished reading Lab Girl by Hope Jahren. She’s a super-curious scientist who likes looking at trees and leaves and stokes her wonder by asking them questions. (She is so cool.)

Anyway. Hope, like Wangari, encourages us to plant trees. But not just any tree.

“Unscrupulous tree planting services will pressure you to buy a Bradford pear or two because they establish and flourish in one year; you’ll be happy with the result long enough for them to cash your check. Unfortunately, these trees are also notoriously weak in the crotch and will crack in half during the first big storm. You must choose with a clear head and open eyes. You are marrying this tree: choose a partner, not an ornament…

Once your baby tree is in the ground, check it daily, because the first three years are critical. Remember that you are your tree’s only friend in a hostile world. If you do own the land that it is planted on, create a savings account and put five dollars in it every month so that when your tree gets sick between ages twenty and thirty (and it will), you can have a tree doctor over to cure it, instead of just cutting it down. Each time you blow the account on tree surgery, put your head down and start over, knowing that your tree is doing the same. The first ten years of your tree’s life will be the most dynamic of your tree’s life; what kind of overlap will it make with your own? Take your children to the tree every six months and cut a horizontal chink into the bark to mark their height. Once your little ones have grown up and moved out and into the world, taking parts of your heart with them, you will have this tree as a living reminder of how they grew, a sympathetic being who has also been deeply marked by their long, rich passage through childhood…

At the end of this exercise, you’ll have a tree and it will have you…Everyday you can look at your tree, watch what it does, and try to see the world from its perspective. Stretch your imagination until it hurts: What is your tree trying to do? What does it wish for? What does it care about?…Tell your friend about your tree; tell your neighbor…”

Okay, I told you.

After I post this, I’ll take two milkweed seeds from my garden and make a wish that you plant one tree this year and a second that if you have an invasive tree on your land, you’ll remove it.

NOTES: The Carrotwood Tree was introduced into Florida about the year I was born. It was described as desirable, fast-growing, easy to propagate, disease and pest-resistant, and adaptable to coastal conditions.

The Carrotwood Tree gets an A+ in adaptation.

Here’s the F part: it’s aggressive. Like on the top tier of invasive trees to Florida aggressive. A plant or tree can become aggressive when it leaves its native place where it has predators and controls—where it’s part of an ecosystem that works. (Carrotwood is not invasive in its native lands of Australia and Indonesia.)

I live in central Florida in an area where many Carrotwood Trees were planted in the late 70s. Until they’re removed, we prune them before they seed. Tons of branches bursting with seedpods were cut this week. Afterward, I filled two super-sized trash bins with nickel-sized seeds that fell on the ground during pruning.

 

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Carrotwood Tree, Earth Day, Green Belt Movement, Hope Jahren, Lab Girl, mangroves, plant a native tree, Unbowed, Wangari Maathai

Coming and going, and “this is the best day of my life”

Waves and birds coming and going. Anna Maria Island, January 20, 2017.

A whisper.

What is that? Wait. No, wait. What is that?

There it is, a whisper in a wave-loop—begin with awe, begin with awe, begin with awe.

Begin with an awe that makes your head tilt, mouth fall open, and a tear drip. Silence your thoughts and still your heart.

Last evening, I went with our book club (a group of people with different backgrounds, careers, and socio-political views) to look at contemporary art. My partner Terry led the looking. Before we begin, I wonder if they’ll go along with his suggestion to let go of being told or having to know about the artist or artwork.

He doesn’t tell us information about the artist or artwork or what it means from a critic’s point of view. Instead, he steers our gaze to an installation of thousands of thin, multi-colored, satin ribbons streaming from the ceiling to a few inches off the floor. “Experience it. Walk into it,” he suggests.

We do.

Later, in front of the artwork, he asks us three separate questions, one at a time, and we listen to everyone’s answers.

What do you see or notice?

What is your thought when you see that specific thing?

What do you feel when you think that thought?

One by one we said what we saw, thought, felt. I found myself immersed in looking, listening, and learning from so many different discoveries and viewpoints.

Dinner after was lively, relaxed, and warm.

It’s the next morning. And it’s Inauguration Day.

I decide to take myself, that whisper reminder to begin with awe and these questions to the beach. Here’s what happened.

I notice that the waves come and go.

I ask myself, “What do you think when you see the waves come and go?”

When I see the waves come and go, I think of a string of presidents coming and going.

I think of myself coming and going.

I think of you coming and going.

I think of experiences coming and going.

I think of many waves in one sea.

I think of a wave as an aspect and expression of the sea.

I think of a president, you, and me as if we were waves in the sea.

I think of the thought of a wave coming and going.

I think of the sea as larger than any one wave.

“What do you feel when you see the waves come and go?”

When I see the waves come and go, I feel uncertain, then calm, reassured, connected, and part of an incomprehensible, marvelous network. I feel silly wanting an old wave to stay. I feel embarrassed as if caught in a personal awareness of discriminating—don’t come new wave. I an intrigued and curious about waves in the sea.

I look out at the horizon and think about the meet up of sky and water, two very different entities.

I begin a little soliloquy to myself.

Remember. The problem isn’t the problem, the problem is an opportunity. A precious opportunity to open, see anew, deepen understanding. My work is choosing how to work with the problem. How I work with my problem means examining my attitude and state of mind. Can I give curiosity an inch? Can I give a teeny bit of thoughtful energy into what I say and do before reacting? Focus on yourself, your attitude, your choices. Listen to your heart.

That’s what helps me.

This means I have to let go of how terrible it or he or she is because that kind of thinking distracts and deters my growth.

A heron lands nearby. I look at it.

A woman approaches and says, “Nice smile.” There. I’m here.

I begin a slow walk and notice a brown pelican paddle then waddle-step ashore toward a group of royal tern, plover, piper, and raucous gulls. The sunlight changes and colors the waves coming and going from green to aqua.

The potential of “this is the best day of my life” opens.

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Megan’s smile, a Project Smile Update

This is Megan when I met her last June, and Megan this week in the dentist’s chair—smiling!

Megan is the face of Project Smile. She is the mom who was able to get dental care for her children, but not herself.

Thanks to Michelle B. who fixed her own broken teeth and then wished that someone else could receive the same gift, Project Smile was born. The unfolding network includes journalist Maggie Clark and her article “Shattered Smiles,” a connection to meet Megan, the astounding work of Silver Star Charity Turning Points to provide dental care to people living in poverty, and a HUGE community of love and support to help Megan. (The story is HERE.)

Join me in celebrating her beautiful smile.

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2 Comments Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: dental care, dental disease, Project Smile, the confidence of a smile

I wrote a love letter to the president of Lowe’s.

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“A monarch caterpillar came to me in a dream. It had the face of my child.” – Susan Michael Barrett

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. That is my daughter’s face on the caterpillar.

Yes. I dreamed she was this striped Monarch caterpillar in a butterfly garden.

Yes. I admit that there are some people who might view caterpillars as less beautiful and see this post as corny with a capital “C”.

But hang with me.

A little context for the photograph.

In September 2013, I attended a silent retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) and experienced a powerful message: if you want to contribute to helping the world, start with yourself. He suggested we breathe, smile, and honor all life. He suggested we write love (instead of protest) letters. So today in honor of Thay’s 90th birthday I wrote a love letter.

This is it.

October 11, 2016

Dear Mr. Niblock,

Last night a monarch caterpillar came to me in a dream. This caterpillar had the face of my child. She joyfully said to me, “Let us find some food and eat.” I said, “Okay, let’s go.” Off we went to eat milkweed in a garden that looked like mine. We ate leaves, chewing slowly and smiling at each other. But then, feeling sick we fell off the milkweed, curled up on the ground. In the dream, I saw my child throwing up green vomit until she was no longer alive.

Waking from that dream, I cried a long time. Then I sat and thought.

Milkweed is the only food a monarch eats. I bought many plants to feed the monarch caterpillars, but they died. Then the monarchs didn’t come to the garden. When I returned to your store and asked why no caterpillars ate the milkweed, I learned that pesticides are sprayed on them because people want to buy plants with blooms and without insects.

I realized that what my daughter implied in the dream is true: we can approach our meals with joy and gratitude. It is possible to (grow and) eat food that is not poisoned.

Mr. Niblock, I think if you let yourself see monarch caterpillars as your children, our children, you’d see how important it is to not spray any being’s food with pesticides. This dream helped me (and I’m hoping it will help you) see things in a new way, a way that allows us to respond differently to insects on plants.

Thank you for your time. Thank you for reading.

Susan Michael Barrett

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: 90th birthday, love letters instead of protest letters, pesticides, seeing my beloved daughter in other sentient beings, the idea of Wonder Anew, Thich Nhat Hanh

Seeing a former homeless person at Bed, Bath & Beyond

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Do one thing every day that scares you. –Eleanor Roosevelt

I’m an introvert.

Something that scares me is talking on the phone or in person to people I don’t know well. I do, but it’s not easy, nor comfortable.

But I take Eleanor Roosevelt’s suggestion to do one thing every day that scares you to heart as good practice for personal growth.

Here’s how.

Most of my work for Project Smile is talking to managers of businesses in my community. So earlier today after purchasing my items, I asked the cashier if I may speak to the manager of Bed, Bath & Beyond. A few minutes later Jacki came out and introduced herself. I asked if the store gives to the local community. She was kind and said that decisions about giving come out of the corporate office. I asked if she would be willing to share this information with the office and the employees of this store. I told her how I met with Mike at Lowes earlier and he said that they have a special “Voices” team that gives locally. I gave her a Turning Points brochure and asked, “Do you know the services Turning Points provides for the homeless and near homeless in our town?”

Jacki said, “Yes I do.”

“You do?” I told her that I’d talked to several managers and she was the first one who knew of Turning Points in my visits today. Jacki said, “I volunteer at Turning Points on Fridays. I do laundry.”

“Oh my! Then you know about their dental and medical services?”

“Yes. Susan, I was homeless six years ago. I wouldn’t be where I am without Turning Points.”

I was so stunned and moved. Here, I was looking at the face of the potential of a Project Smile donation for Turning Points to change lives.

Then she said, “I’m going to see what we can do.”

We chatted more. Before I left, I asked, “What is your last name?”

“Love. Jacki Love.”

Of course.

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: dental disease, do one thing every day that scares you, homeless and near homeless, Project Smile, sharing to help, Turning Points

An unfolding of Project Smile—helping people living in poverty get dental care

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A few months ago I emailed a bunch of friends to help me choose six favorite words matched with hubby Terry Barrett’s gorgeous photographs because I wanted to make a new jewelry piece.

The top favorite word? Listen.

But instead of making listen into something, I practiced listening.

I listened to a brave woman share her difficulty about having dental disease, and her transformation from feeling like a silent monster to feeling seen, heard, and loved after fixing her teeth.

I listened to a mom with dental disease who struggled and found dental care for her four-year-old daughter, but not for herself.

I listened to a journalist who wrote an article series to address dental care for the under-served.

I listened to people who created and run a remarkable charitable organization (Turning Points, Bradenton, FL) that offers dental and medical care to people living in poverty.

And, I listened to my heart.

So, I launched PROJECT SMILE to fund dental care for the unfortunate, beginning with a young woman named Megan and too many others in line at Turning Points who are hoping for the self-confidence and possibilities that a new smile brings.

I hope you’ll consider helping. Even the smallest donation will make a significant difference.

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: dental disease, first project, listen, listening is love, Project Smile, Turning Points

“I wonder if cancer is back.”

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In the light of death, you see clearly what is important and what is not. You are amazed at how much time and life energy you dissipate in matters that, in the end, do not mean much to you or do not make much difference in life.  – Ken McLeod

What is your difficulty?

I wonder if I am having a relapse of lymphoma. I had a blood test that signaled a possible problem.

My lymph nodes are enlarged, I’ve had a few night sweats, and I have a pain that, if I scoured the Internet, could make a case for a big fat uh oh.

I’ll have a scan this week.

How are you feeling?

Surprised and indifferent.

Questioning and not wanting to know anything.

Relaxed with bouts of anxious wondering.

Quietly joyful and sad.

(I cry.)

I’m having memories of treatment, feeling nauseated, in pain, and dull and absent. I notice how these memories bring up a feeling of wanting to be free of discomfort. The idea of having physical pain, or not getting to do something I want to do is taking a lot of space in my mind. I’m remembering the past, thinking about the future, and imagining, even fantasizing, a story that is not real. I haven’t had my scan yet. (Oh, good. I see that I’m making shit up.)

I sit in my chair and imagine something else: my body as a boat. I push off and ride the river of having cancer with flamboyant openness. That thought lasts about a half of a second. Come back here, sweet thought.

How does this affect you?

I feel like I better get going and also like don’t get going. Yeah, don’t go anywhere, Susan. Stay with your feelings, Susan.

What are you learning?

I’m at the beach as I write the responses to these questions. I’m a little more right here with myself. I notice the sky and colors of the waves as they roll in.

There’s nothing like a magical moment of personal intimacy. The warmth of my heart managed to knock on mind’s door and say, “Quiet down, you little thinker.” And there in a rare, mature light of less thinking is a meet-up with Clarity, who has a way of wordlessly saying the inexplicable.

And now I know.

I realize that there is no “me” or “you.” This is tricky to explain. No “me” or “you” means that rather than express or suppress, I let go. (Sort of. I know. So mysterious.) I let go of what I think and what you might think and the stories those thoughts create.

I just live. (And begin to notice that I’m sitting on sugar sand, can hear the gulls calling to each other, and feel the salt spray on my lips.)

What I’m trying to say is that these moments (a beloved passes, stark illness knocks, or a disaster arrives) seem to bring the best chance of living, experiencing with no expectation, no result, no hope, no wish, no purpose. It’s pure experience.

I know. Ideal and impossible.

What is shifting in your thoughts or feelings about your difficulty?

My experience of freedom.

Well, my experience is not shifting. It’s enlarging.

Just the thought of a cancer relapse, even wondering about relapse or thinking I shouldn’t be wondering, brings up a wish for freedom from thinking (impossible, I sing!) or feeling bad or sad, of not feeling, Instead, I’m in my head trying to understand what’s happening.

Okay, this feels complex. I’m saying that if I seek to understand as a way to control or release myself from pain, I think that’s a way to avoid living.

I like this: it’s a good idea to live whatever shows up, as Ken McLeod suggests. When I first heard the idea, I thought, “Too hard.” But, my next thought is, I’ll do it. Live whatever is right now.

Hey, I’m still here!

How do you choose to respond to or work with your difficulty?

I choose to experience what happens (and to work with the noise of my heart and mind).

How’s that for simple? HA!

Okay, this might sound corny and crazy, yet this is what comes to me as a way of living: I choose to think of all others who are relapsing (or feeling not-so-good or afraid) and breathe in their pain.

Right now I’m looking out at a choppy Gulf of Mexico mirrored by a calm sky. I choose to think of all others lost in a sea of fear. I choose to take in their fear and send them this relaxed sea breeze breath.

How can you use what you’re learning in other difficult moments?

Connecting to others who might be feeling fear and pain will help off-set my conditioned sense that it’s impossible to think of others when my next difficult moment arrives. I can also think of others in happy moments. So, when I see the doctor this week and hear that my scan is clear, I’ll think of others.

I hope I remember.

NOTE: A bird walked up to me today and practically put his foot on my knee. This guy:

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20 Comments Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: acceptance, cancer, friendliness with death and dying, letting go, living, lymphoma relapse, tonglen

Working with my mind around a cancer relapse.

As ever, thank you for listening.

xo Susan

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Listening to a young, oppressed Pakistani mom who wants to flee her country

For three years I’ve listened to this woman.

She is a divorced Pakistani woman with a child. She wants to flee her country’s oppression of women and her fear of an ex-husband who wants to kill her.

I feel sad and helpless for this woman. I’ve spent months trying to understand the US visa system and process for immigration or refugee status. No immigrants from Pakistan are accepted in the Diversity Visa category this year, the only place I saw that she might qualify.

The raw desperation in her cries for help chafes my heart. I feel disbelief and shock typing these words: I can now make sense of senseless choices—such as people who step into small, overcrowded boats to ride rough seas to freedom. I understand their risky rides to unimaginable unknowns to escape horrors of inequality, persecution, and war.

The reality is that this woman will not get a US visa. And if by a miracle she did, the welcome to America would not be warm.

I asked her, “Have you heard of Donald Trump?”

“No.”

Nor does she know of campaign talk and rising fears about terrorism in some Americans.

But fear of foreigners isn’t new.

World War II “prompted the largest displacement of humans in the world has ever seen—although today’s refugee crisis is starting to approach its unprecedented scale…” The story of a spy or terrorist disguised as a refugee was too scandalous to resist then and today.

As a Floridian, I’m aware of a little history from my state. It breaks my heart that in 1939, the ship St. Louis carrying 937 Jewish refugees fleeing the Nazi regime was turned away from the port of Miami, Florida, forcing the ship to return to Europe. “Government officials from the State Department to the FBI to President Franklin Roosevelt himself argued that refugees posed a serious threat to national security” (The U.S. Government Turned Away Thousands of Jewish Refugees, Fearing That They Were Nazi Spies,” Smithsonian.com).

So, this woman will probably stay in Pakistan.

While knowing about her unmet basic needs and fears for her life, it feels unkind to suggest that she still gets to choose how she will respond to her life in Pakistan. It’s the underlying message in the work of  Viktor Frankl and Virginia Satir and Carl Rogers, and the basis for Wonder Anew.

She gets to choose how she will respond to her life in Pakistan.

How does a thought like that rise and take hold in one’s heart?

I don’t know. But I wish this for her.

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3 Comments Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: freedom, immigration, listening, listening is love, Pakistani mom, unable to help

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THE UNFOLDING

WONDER ANEW began with a powerful message: if you want to contribute to healing and help the world, start with yourself.

A HEART MELT

Are you ready for more chillout exploration? Check out JOY OF LIVING on the Tergar International website.

THE PHOTOGRAPHS

The Wall Photographs were made by Terry Barrett. Learn about their significance HERE. All of the bird photographs were made by Susan.

A FAVORITE PLACE

Practicing boundless curiosity at WILDEWOOD WONDERS. Oh, the birds you'll see.

WONDER ANEW © Susan Michael Barrett / Site design by Michael Nelson