“I was angry about my split.”

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” ~ Melody Beattie

 

Journaling has always been a sort of therapy for me throughout my adult life. A way to sort out feelings — which ones are true, which ones are sticking, which ones are lurking underneath the surface. I sort of journal off and on depending on when I need it. I’m not one to document each and every day. It’s definitely a coping mechanism for this introvert.

When my now ex-husband and I were going through yet another rough patch a few years ago, I began journaling again as a way to gather my thoughts and get to the root of what was bothering me. And it was not pretty. There were a lot of feelings. And hurts. And confusion. We had been married fourteen years at the time. I had buried a lot of shit deep down. It was time to uncover it. And face what would happen if I rocked the boat.

I came across a journal I had written in ten years before — another rough patch in our marriage right after we started having children. And I was astounded at what I wrote. It was almost verbatim the same feelings and issues as I was writing about a decade later. It was an eye-opener. How could these things have gone on unresolved for so very long?

So I continued writing – venting. Verbally vomiting onto the pages of my private notebook. And it helped me get clear. It separated anger from real issues that needed to be dealt with. It was a safe place for me to be myself. Which I wasn’t being in my marriage. I didn’t feel I could be. I knew our relationship wasn’t healthy. It was killing me slowly and I needed out.

The day did come when our marriage fell apart. Abruptly. Obviously, it was a mix of emotions but overriding them all was a sense of relief. And certainty. I knew this is what I wanted. But also foreboding… I knew it was going to be hard.

That same day of the dramatic split, I made the very conscious decision to shift my journaling from venting and complaining to gratitude. I knew the coming months while we worked through a divorce would be challenging and very emotional. To find gratitude wouldn’t be easy. But if I could just find a glimmer of good in each day, it would make the journey a little easier. And a divorce is what I wanted – I didn’t feel like I had a right to complain any longer.

So every day, I gave thanks. Sometimes it wasn’t easy! On those days, I could only muster “I’m grateful this day is done!”  More often it was, “I’m grateful for my supportive family.” “I’m grateful for the roof over my head.” “I’m grateful for the beautiful spring day and the sunny weather.” “I’m grateful for the relationships I’m cultivating with my children.” “I’m grateful for clarity and freedom to be myself.”

It changed my life. Things fell into place with such synchronicity that it was simply delightful. A storm of emotions swirled around me, but I felt calm and sure of myself. Because there is always something to be grateful for. It wasn’t easy by any means. But it was easier with gratitude.

I learned if I can feel gratitude when things are difficult…that’s where the real magic is. Gratitude helps me find light in the dark.

Tera Girardin. Lakeville, Minnesota.  The United States.