DEAR LISTENER,
I worry about school tremendously. I feel threatened by others who test my intelligence. I’m constantly confronted with people who don’t believe in me and racism. My classes are more advanced, so they’re filled with people that don’t look, act, or dress like me. They push me out and discourage me. I don’t know whether I should conform or try to find my true self. I have a difficult relationship with my parents. I don’t speak to them as often as I’d like and my dad’s a drunk. He never learned how to be a father, causing me to not want to teach him. I’m going through a breakup. A breakup with someone that I thought was my whole world. Someone who still talks to my family and friends. Someone who has moved on with a girl that looks better than me. I’m stressed and filled with anxiety and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I feel rejected, anxious, insecure, insignificant, frustrated, lonely, pained, depressed, sleepy, ashamed, skeptical, inferior, and inadequate.
I’m not able to move on and love myself. I’m not able to find myself and show my true self to my friends and family. I cope by distracting myself with things like cheerleading, social media, and schoolwork. I don’t face the problem. I’m not motivated to do things for myself but rather I do them to keep my mind distracted.
I don’t try to move on. I purposefully place myself in the same depressed state. It’s my fault. I don’t move or try. I’m scared of the outcome.
I’m learning my mind and my heart. I’m learning about the unhealthy ways I cope. I’m diagnosing myself on my issues. I know why I do refrain from things and why I don’t. I’m learning why I am how I am. I’m learning why my grades are so good and why I feel so put out by others.
I can look at my situation from my friends’ point of view. They see my happy, playful, goofy side. They see a leader, someone who is coping in a healthy way. I want to become that. I want to become the person my friends see and my family sees.
I try to do effective things. I want to speak and talk with people. I want to move on. I’m working with my problems by facing them. By confronting it. I want the people surrounding me to see my true state, what I’m really feeling so they can help me help myself.
I’m learning that such a young person can go through so much and hide it all. It’s so difficult to truly identify a depressed teenager or person in general. Either my friends don’t know I’m depressed or they don’t know how to confront it and help me. My guess is that they don’t see it. It’s hard to spot it. It’s hard to get help.
Sincerely,
Student 33
16 years old, Female
DEAR ONE,
I want to slow down, right here, at the beginning. In your very first paragraph, you list your challenges: worry over school, racism, feeling like you’re not fitting in, conflict in the relationship you have with your parents, and a break-up with a partner. Each of these things alone would be difficult. But the fact that you are experiencing challenges in several of the most important areas of your life concerns me, especially when I understand from your words that you aren’t getting the support you need.
Dear writer, I know the pain of both an overwhelm of difficulties and the feeling of being alone as I try to figure out what to do about them. It is not an enviable place to be. That said, I have so much faith in you. You can articulate what it is that troubles you and what you need. Just the mere fact of you writing your letter is evidence to me of a spirt that wants to move toward wholeness. Toward a unity of what the world sees and who you are. Toward authenticity.
I understand the struggle of showing oneself in all our human glory, including the hurt parts that want healing. I came from an environment where toughness and independence were valued, along with how well I could handle all my problems on my own. It’s not that I thought about it much. Does a fish think about water? I just learned to do it. Which led me, dear one, to situations like yours. My life would fall apart, and I’d race around trying to pick up the pieces. Alone. If others offered to help, I’d say the phrase that ends with a very damaging four-letter word: I’m fine.
So even if people did see my pain and want to help, I would not let them near it.
I didn’t know that I didn’t have to do this life thing alone.
I’m guessing, dear writer, that you may not realize this either—at least not deep in your heart, where it matters most. Being a person who is good with gathering information and analyzing it and connecting it to more, I believed I could think my way through anything. I’ve since learned that for me to take authentic action, information needs to make its way into my heart. Or more accurately, I need to open to what information my heart already has.
I hear your heart speaking through your letter. Even though you say you don’t know how to deal with all that is happening, you do. It has been right there all along. And you say it clearly:
I want the people surrounding me to see my true state, what I’m really feeling so they can help me help myself.
Maybe the help you need is information about how to do this in a way that works best for you. Maybe the question I’ve been reading in your letter is not, “how do I deal with this?” but “how do I express my most vulnerable and hidden story to others in a way that I might be heard, in a way that might help me heal?”
I’ve had a little experience with this. For me, it’s taken finding people who have experience listening to others. One of the people who has helped me is a professional listener. She is a psychologist who also counsels, and what I appreciate most about her is that her listening comes from a background in healing the mind. Because I spent quite a bit of time under the stress of constant anxiety, depression, and overwhelm, I needed someone who had experience in helping people heal from that kind of long-term stress. Since you mentioned depression and anxiety along with other equally difficult emotions, I encourage you to find a person like this. Your school counselor or another adult you trust may have suggestions about whom to contact, and maybe your friends or family members do, too. You may be surprised, when you begin talking about your own sorrows, what others have been through that they might not have been able to share with you before.
Of course, not everyone will know how to help, so I invite you to search until you find a good fit. Sometimes this happens right away. Sometimes not. But depression and anxiety can become quite serious very quickly, so I don’t recommend putting this off.
The other thing I found extraordinary helpful was getting together with others who were further along the healing path than I and who had similar experiences to mine. The group with which I’m most familiar for young people is Alateen, an organization that helps teens who have family members or friends with addiction problems, especially alcoholism. You may even have one near your home. Again, if that’s not a fit, keep looking, because the world is full of help.
Both counseling and a group of supportive people taught me to love myself. Once I could do that, I was able to move on and allow myself to be me. Sometimes I still forget how to do this, but because of continued support and the skills I’ve learned, I remember pretty quickly. I don’t stay stuck in the feelings.
And dear one, you already are who your friends and family see you to be. When you allow the love within you, you will see her, too.
xoxo,
poet
