DEAR LISTENER,
My difficulty is becoming too attached in relationships.
I feel anger, sadness, stress, and anxiety.
I am becoming unconfident, insecure, and scared. I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again, so I don’t know if I should attach myself to others.
I offer too much most of the time. People say I’m too nice and that I need to get a bad/angry side to myself.
I’m learning that even though the relationship was not good, I attached and stayed.
I’m learning to find patience that not everything is leading me to a bad place. I can still change paths and find happiness.
From another perspective, I could let myself see my problem in someone else’s eyes, and see that there’s so many other things that could be happening to me, much worse. If it was another person that harmed me, I probably wouldn’t have minded. But I’m so glad they’re out of my life now.
I’m choosing to ignore and move on. I know I deserve better and that the best relationships in life take time and come when you’re not searching for them.
I’ll learn to get to know people more and actually trust people with my feelings. I’ll accept getting attached to people again.
Sincerely,
Student 47, Too Attached
Female, 17 years old
DEAR LISTENER,
I have a difficult time accepting who I am and not letting anyone take advantage of that.
I feel frustrated, anxious, inferior, and jealous.
I tell myself that the world/people will always work this way. It is up to me to change it.
I keep feeding the expectations, good or bad, of others and put them first instead of putting my needs first.
I am learning about myself that I am willing to make people happy first, making my priorities mixed up.
I need to realize that so many people are ignorant to the extent of no return and that I should focus on the people who deserve my attention.
I choose to make sure the outcome of the event becomes a funny story.
Maybe the bigger lesson is to focus more on self more than others.
Sincerely,
Student 72, Priorities Mixed Up
Female, 17 years
DEAR WRITERS—Too Attached and Priorities Mixed Up,
I am answering your letters together because in both I can feel the hurt that comes from believing you’ve given too much and received too little and because both of you address something very important: Your own power.
This is no small thing. It took me years to figure out that if I wanted something to be different, I was going to have to be part of my own solution. At seventeen, you’re both already ahead of the game. Can you hear yourself, Too Attached? I can still change paths and find happiness. How about you, Priorities Mixed Up? It is up to me to change it.
I invite you to take a moment and sit with that knowledge. You are aware your solutions are inside you.
I related so much to both your letters. I, too, have felt an unequal balance in my relationships when it came to attachment. I also have struggled with self-acceptance. One example:
When I was younger, I dated F., who was attractive and smart and assertive. F. was an athlete, had the most amazing smooth skin, and rode a motorcycle. But the most important thing about F. was that F. liked me, so I ignored a lot of bad behavior. I was so happy to be chosen. I thought it meant I was worth something. I didn’t know I already possessed worth, just by being me. That all of us do.
It seemed the more attached I grew to F., the more F.’s bad behavior escalated, and the less F. wanted to hang out with me. I’d get excuses or silence, and sink into despair because F. wasn’t calling me back or was cutting dates short to go hang with friends. Or else I’d be elated because out of the blue F. would call and want to come over. Happy, sad, my emotional state depended on how F. felt about me.
I thought that was love. It’s what all the Hollywood romance stories portray, right? Love is about getting the other to notice you and love you back. Then you can be happy.
I tried this with more than a few relationships (and more than I’d care to admit). The result was always the same: I was doing most of the work, and the person I was with seemed not to care if we were together. But I would be crushed every time. By their behavior and by my own.
At first, I believed my partner-chooser was broken. I was doomed to be attracted to people who would completely shatter me. Then I bought into the belief that maybe it was me that was broken, and I tried to be like the people I dated: cool, detached, without feelings. This worked until it didn’t, because either I’d still get attached or I’d feel like a jerk.
These projects took a lot of my time. And I still was not any closer to bliss than I was when F. wouldn’t return my calls.
What helped the most, Too Attached and Priorities Mixed Up, was when I realized the most important relationship I was ever going to have was with myself. I’m not denying that as humans, we are wired to connect with others and to have friends and partners and families. I need people, to love and be loved by and to get help from and be of service to. We’re all in this together, and I want to do my part. And yet, what is often overlooked, what I had no clue was even a thing, is our relationships to ourselves.
Although I will ask you to question the word always in your sentence the world/people will always work this way, dear Priorities Mixed Up, I do understand people are going to be people, and it’s not my job to change them (or change myself to change them). My responsibility lies with the choices I make, the actions I take, and the thoughts I believe.
I’m wondering, what are the beliefs you have about yourselves, dear writers? And more importantly, are they true? Where do you think the beliefs came from? Do you want to continue to accept them?
Years ago, I made a commitment to love myself like I was my own best friend. A book I had read suggested doing just that, and the author recommended the practice of sitting five to ten minutes per day and saying “I love you,” to yourself over and over. Though I thought it hokey and a little out there, I did it – every day, feeling embarrassed and a bit stupid and glad that nobody knew I was doing such a ridiculous thing.
Then something began to happen. I started listening to myself. Not just to what people call intuition – though I began to hear that, too. But all the thoughts. The good ones, the bad ones. The petty ones, the mean ones, the crazy ones. I’d sit and breathe and listen and just accept them. Not defend them or reject them or fight them or feel bad about myself that I had them. I just heard them. What I learned was I had a lot of thoughts, and if I sat with them a little each day, I learned not to take them so seriously, especially the ones that tell me lies about myself. The thoughts, though still numerous, weren’t getting as much of my attention, so I could instead concentrate on my heart. I started breathing into the center of my chest each morning. I love you. I love you. I love you. Turns out, my heart had a lot to tell me.
I’d like to invite you both to try this. Just sit down with yourselves and let your hearts tell you what they have been afraid to share. You can write it out, draw it out, talk it out, dance it out, but give yourselves some time to really listen. And then, as the kind people you are, respond as if you are speaking to the most important person you will ever have on your side. Because, my dears, you are.
The more I get to know myself, the more I feel my own worth. And the more I feel my own worth, the more my relationships with others change. I attract and am attracting people who are also affirming their own worth, which means each of us is more able to be present with the other because we aren’t constantly worrying about where we stand.
One thing that gives me the courage to do all of this is the people in my life who believe in me and believe I can. So I want to be sure you know this: I believe in you, beautiful writers.
Too Attached and Priorities Mixed Up, you are worth getting to know.
xoxo,
Poet
