DEAR LISTENER,
My difficulty is that I won't become successful and that I will fail just like my dad continues to tell me. That I will not live up to my mother's dreams for me. I feel upset and fake. I try not to let it offend me and smile. My part—I'm the one failing. I'm learning that it takes a toll on me. I love listening to music loud enough so I really can't hear anything.
Sincerely,
Student 15
Male, 17 years
DEAR ONE,
I read your note many times and it makes me so curious. I wish we could talk. I wish you could tell me everything.
My first questions, after you were done telling it all would be, do you want to fail at those things your parents want you to be succeeding at? Are you failing or are you rebelling? Maybe you are succeeding at failing? Maybe you are great at failing at the things you don't necessarily want for yourself. Maybe that is one of your superpowers and worth noticing. I was trying to think about how you can fail life. I would also ask you that question if we could talk. My sense from your note is that you are very well versed in your parents’ dreams for you, but what are your dreams for yourself? I hope you ask yourself this question. You are old enough to start working toward your own answers.
What does it mean to fail life? When I asked myself that question, my answer is that I fail life when I fail to take on my life and live it. I can hide in addiction or avoidance, "not caring" and depression, so many ways. When you are young it can be hard to think about your whole life. My life is at least half over and I do not say this lightly when I say it can be over tomorrow. And for me, I want to know that it mattered that I was here.
No matter what you believe or don't believe in terms of spirituality, the way I figure it, there is no one else like you, exactly, and never has been, and never will be. So, is that a random accident? Or is that because, as a human community, we need you? Exactly you.
I am a parent and I tell my boys that I am sure that we need them. I am not sure what they are here to contribute to the world, but I know we need them, exactly them, for some specific reason, which is why they are here.
It can be hard to be a parent, BTW.
One of my sons is disabled.
It is hard for him to struggle with so many things, and he wishes all the time he could be 'normal' just like everybody else. I am sure that if we needed one more normal person just like everybody else we would have gotten one. We clearly need him, just exactly as he is, with his abilities and with his limitations. He is here to make his mark on the world. I am starting to see that he is incredible with little kids. He is just amazing, perhaps because he really understands the way they see the world. In any case, I wonder if that is why he is here. Because we need him to be the one to really connect with and help some little kid, who no one really understands but this boy, my son, the one with the really unusual and "damaged" brain. Or maybe it will turn out to be something else.)
Every parent has these ideas about what it will take to be successful, and when our kids don't seem to be successful according to our ideas and imaginations, to what our parents told us and what our culture and our neighbors say, then we don't feel successful.
As the parent of this disabled kid, I was able to see every idea about what I wanted for my son and what I thought he needed to be able to do to be successful, rise, and get smashed to pieces as he missed developmental milestone after developmental milestone. I didn't even consciously know all that I was planning and dreaming for him until I had to face those losses-- losses of what I imagined and expected for him. I am not sure if it is as clear for parents of more typical kids, how much they have unconsciously decided. Their expectations seem so normal and so right, as mine did. Then I had to get to the place, which I am still sometimes working on, of letting him have his own life and his own story. It's hard.
Parenting is embarrassing. You screw up so much and, if you are honest, realize that so much of the time you have no idea of what you are doing. It's also scary. All you want is for your kid to be ok. So many of us parents do many seemingly crazy or hurtful things trying to deal with or avoid the fact that we can't really control whether or not our kids will be ok and we can't even really protect them, no matter how hard we try.
I worry that this note doesn't help a lot.
I suspect the problem that is most important is that you are getting fed "fear of failure" sandwiches three times a day. That has to take a toll on you. How could it not? You obviously love your parents and I think you may know that you are not going to fail. I think you may be finding a way to succeed even when it doesn't look like the success of your parent's dreams.
What do you do to support yourself? Have you found the people who already know that you are totally cool? Is there a teacher or adult, neighbor or relative who sees great things ahead for you and who isn't overwhelmed with fear? Do you have heroes? Who has done things that you feel are great and whom you can carry with you in some way? What are you great at? How is that part of your purpose, part of your dreams?
I looked up the definition of fail to get an idea of what to write. The site I saw had two definitions: 1) to be unsuccessful in achieving one's goal and 2) to neglect to do something. Fail is a verb—something you do, not something you are.
We need you. Exactly you. I wish you careful thinking and the passion to find and achieve your purpose. Maybe it's time to find out what that is.
Be well,
Jesse
