DEAR LISTENER,
My difficulty is trying to make someone care for me knowing that they probably don’t feel the same way back and I am having a hard time moving on.
I feel angry that he puts someone else over me. I get jealous because I know he won’t treat me the way he treats her, and I am hurt by this that I cry and wonder why I am not good enough. I want to hate him but I can’t because I always forgive him and that makes me irritated with myself.
I feel like I’m okay most of the day, like if I was to workout or if I’m having fun I’m not thinking about it or dwelling on it. But when I am alone, bored in class, or about to sleep I think about how I’m being mistreated when I give my utmost respect. I feel like as long as I am doing something and am distracted I am okay because at this point I am so used to it.
My participation would be that I tend to start arguments when the conversation is dying. I’ll question why he treats me the way he does and why he treats her better than me and he’ll get mad and I feel like he’d rather end the convo and not talk for days or until the tension fades to hit me up again.
I am learning that I know my self-worth and I know that I deserve better. However, I keep going back to him. I realize that I hold onto hope very well even when there’s none. I can look at it from someone who sees my worth and how fighting for a relationship where the guy does not care is pointless.
I’ve tried everything.
At this point it is learned helplessness and I feel there is nothing for me to do anymore. I’ve blocked him but he still texted me elsewhere. I’ve tried to go days without talking to him. I’ve tried ignoring him but nothing works. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve learned that anyone new I try to meet, that if I feel like they don’t care as much as me, I drop them. I move on before I can get attached.
Sincerely,
Student 89
16 years old, female
DEAR STUDENT 89,
First, thank you. Thank you for writing and so beautifully describing your experience. You are a good writer and I immediately wanted to read your letter over again so that I could take in your words more carefully. Thank you for sharing in such an honest way your feelings about wishing a person who you care about and might even be a great person is not being all that great at the moment.
It is so painful to wish someone would want to be with you more and would care a lot more than they do. It is really frustrating when you know that you are going over things too much and are wasting your time being miserable. But this is what most of us do. It is really hard to let someone go. It is easy to get caught up thinking crazy and stupid things, knowing that they are not useful but not being able to stop feeling and thinking these things.
So, I want to tell you some things that I have learned but also know that it might not mean much coming from a stranger. It seems to take all of us a long time to learn various lessons and we all learn in different ways. Sometimes I can be a quick study and get it right away. Often I am a very slow learner and it takes forever and ever to get basic stuff. I also know that my basic stuff might be different from what is true for others. Still, since I am writing, I am determined to be honest with what are my truths and hope they might help you. So, here goes.
First, you can’t make anyone love you. Or like you. You can try to be kind, and nice and even almost perfect and thoughtful so that you present yourself as what you imagine this person wants you to be—but it only works for the short run. And it usually is a bust in the long run.
This is because we all want people to love and like us for who we really are, and this includes the stuff we are not that proud about. We want unconditional love. It is human to want this. And when we try to please others so we are liked, we end up hating ourselves and then finding ways to fight with others to deal with the anger of not being who we really are.
Second, this has nothing to do with not being good enough. Sorry about the double negative. You are plenty good enough and that is NOT why he doesn’t like you more. Try to give up on questions that begin with WHY? Most of the time, why questions are really crazy making.
Third, it is good that you are trying to do things so you don’t think about him. Good for you to block calls. Most people have to learn how not to play cat and mouse games but it is very tempting to keep these kinds of things going. They waste a lot of time. When you realize that you are wasting time being miserable, try not to be hard on yourself. Instead you might consider this—you have learned a lot from this relationship and some of it has been painful and costly. You might even try to remember how much you have learned so that you don’t have to do it over and over again until you are 66 instead of 16! While it is hard to believe this, there are so many more people in the universe that you will like a lot, they might like you even more, and some will like you less, and you will like some people less and I do hope you trust that in your lifetime, you will have many many many people that you will build relationships with. And some might last a lifetime and some might last 20 years, and some will be two weeks. And you will learn from all of them. The more people you learn to care about will teach you a lot about yourself and gradually you will trust the adventure of a rich and full life. And you will smile when you remember that when you were 16, you believed that you knew exactly who you wanted.
That last sentence might annoy you and I fear you will think I am putting you down. I am not. But— I would rather risk writing this than hold back and not tell you truthfully what I am thinking. There are so many surprises ahead for you and if you trust in your own talents and goodness, and learning —so many good things will come your way.
Yes, you will get your heart broken again but humans are meant to be broken and then repaired better than new. Yes, better than new. Given that you’ve tried everything with this guy, I hope you will change course and listen to what you might want to do next that is different from looking for someone. Maybe it could be a time that you look again for you. You might surprise yourself what you decide you can do that is not about a relationship but something more.
Sincerely,
Joni
