DEAR LISTENER,
I feel inferior. That I'm not good enough. I feel useless and that I can't do anything.
I feel ashamed, inadequate, and depressed.
I feel that I am not confident to try new things. I can't reach my full potential.
I don't try new things. I stay in my comfort zone.
I tend to not speak up a lot. I tend to agree with people to avoid conflict.
I understand that everyone makes mistakes. I tend to joke around a lot.
This difficulty might be a stepping stone to grow as a person.
Sincerely,
Student 37
Male, 17 years
DEAR STUDENT 37,
This is a time when someone needs to sit by you and let you say all of that stuff that is in your heart so you can get it straightened out. This kind of pain is insidious. As my son sometimes says: no matter what happens, this is not going to end well. It's one thing when you have a bully to deal with somewhere in your life. It's quite another when the bully is inside your head.
I am sure that you did not invent thinking that you are inferior all by yourself. I am also sure, without ever meeting you, that it isn't really true. Somehow, we get taught that we are not good enough. It is a mistake, of course, but I was taught that too. And it can be really hard to unlearn.
There is a blindness that comes with this kind of thinking. The bully in your head is a liar, as it turns out. All you have to do is look and you will see. "I don't try new things. I stay in my comfort zone." Right there is one big fat lie that the bully is saying. Really? Is writing this stuff down and being part of the program where you composed this note something you have done a hundred times before? Was it entirely in your comfort zone? I bet not. But the bully says those sweeping statements and they seem true. And if you are anything like me, you are believing the bully without even putting up a fight.
"I can't do anything." That's a good one. You do a thousand things every day. Chew. Breathe. Eat. Think. Laugh. Those are all things you can do. There are a lot more too.
There are other things the bully lies about as well. You can't notice the good things about yourself when the bully is busy. I have a hard time with that too. I notice that you are thoughtful, kind, generous ("I understand that everyone makes mistakes") and wise ("This difficulty might be a stepping stone to grow as a person") How can you be 17, know and say that, and still think you don't have it going on?
I read your note for clues and I see another one. "I tend to not speak up a lot. I tend to agree with people and avoid conflict." That may work (or not) around the people in your life, but this absolutely plays into the hands of your bully. This is no time for quiet acceptance. This is the time to fight.
All bullies are cowards. You need to talk back to that bully. Shout if you have to. Give him a name. Tell him the truth. Write down the line he is whipping you with on paper and make a list based on reality so you can see what is true. I have done this many times. It can feel stupid. It can also wake you up. If you can't find one thing you are good at when he is saying how badly you suck, ask someone else to help with the list. One time I said to another human in my life "I don't have friends. I am not connected to people." And she laughed and said, "Then who am I?"
It's like that. We get hypnotized by the words and start believing. When I write things down (yes, I made a list of who my friends are so when I get bullied again I can read it and remember) I get back to reality. And then I look around and get back into my life.
One more thing. If you really want to make that bully squirm, notice someone in your life and give them a real compliment. Do it every day. Speak up when you see someone going out of their comfort zone and say something supportive to them. ("Thanks for what you said in class" to the shy one who hardly speaks. "Whoa. I wish I was that fast when I was your age" to the little kid running their fastest but wishing they could go faster. "Nice work. I think your practicing is really paying off" to the kid who thinks they are awful at sports or music but they try anyway.) Noticing other people and cheering them on in some way sets you up as mattering. It's hard to explain, so try it. I guess it is like this: if you can notice and appreciate someone else then you have something to give. You become a giver instead of invisible or a loser. And somehow that appreciation boomerangs back.
I hope you start disagreeing with the bully. Or at least having a conversation, instead of taking everything he says at face value (try this one on him: where's your proof?) Over time I have been able to leave a lot of those lies behind and now I know how to get away from them if they are starting to clobber me. It takes practice, but truly, it can be done.
Good luck and go get him,
Jesse
