DEAR LISTENER,
My difficulty is being separated from my family. My two youngest siblings and my mom.
It makes me feel helpless, hopeless, and depressed. It stresses me out. It makes me feel physically and mentally drained. I avoid it. I push it away and choose not to think about it.
There’s nothing I can do to fix it. I have to accept it and be responsible and keep in touch. My siblings are growing up without me. And we are all growing up without my mom.
I avoid problems. More so than usual lately. I am in denial. I’m more emotionally sensitive than I’d like to admit. I keep my emotions to myself and avoid everything that draws a bad emotion. One slip and I break down. If I let myself cry, it’s hard to stop.
I suppose my siblings are in a slightly better situation than they were before. We got away from what got us into this. We just had a hard price to pay.
I’d like to go to counseling to help deal with it. I can’t do it on my own. I’ve tried for three years. I need to accept it and adjust to it.
I’ve learned not to make the same mistakes. I’ve learned, will learn to be the best that I can for them.
Sincerely,
Student 70
17 years old, female
DEAR STUDENT 70,
Ouch! This is so painful.
Anyone would feel helpless, hopeless and depressed, drained and sensitive. Anyone.
You are describing the stages of loss. There are fancy theories about the stages of loss and recovery and official names for them but really, the 'I can't believe it' and 'This totally sucks' stages are just awful. And they come and go usually, stronger sometimes, stuck at other times, go away for a minute so you think it has passed, then back.
Loss is loss.
It doesn't matter the details or what might have been different in another time and place. It is just terrible.
So, I am sorry. It is hard to grow up, and much harder when you have unspeakable loss in your life.
And there might be a chink in the wall that is isolating you with this pain, this agony. Unspeakable loss isn't just pain, it's suffering. There is a difference. Pain has a beginning, a middle and an end. My experience is that suffering goes on and on and on until I figure out how to do something different. And the unspeakable part might be what is driving the suffering.
I am an adult now and I know what it is to have a hard time as a teen. There was an event in my growing up that didn't lead to my physical removal from our home but it shattered everything I knew and thought I could count on. It was also unspeakable, and I suffered. For years. And then, finally, after a long time of suffering, I began to learn to speak. First, it was just little snippets to test people's reactions. The pressure to let more out grew though, and then it became taking chances sharing more information, more specific details. And then the flood of tears and telling and having someone hear the whole thing and not run away, but listen and understand.
I also learned to 'speak' through a journal and through some artwork. I am a terrible artist, but I could let my feelings out through art in a way that spoke to me.
It can feel weird to not know what is normal in a situation, so I want you to know that how you feel is extremely normal. So is crying so hard it feels like you won't be able to stop. That is totally normal. I once cried so hard I threw up, but I did eventually stop. You always will stop too and, after a time, you won't need to cry so hard. You will start to feel better. Those are tears you have saved up, like water backed up behind a dam. Once those get out, the flow will be less violent and frightening. And a lot of the pressure will be off.
I have a friend who says he knows that he isn't the first one to have done or gone through anything because what he goes through has a name. If it has a name then someone has been there before. That helps me. No matter what, I can know I am not alone. Others, many others, have gone through this as well.
Two more things I want to say:
First, it can be hard to find people who can support you and listen in the ways you need. My experience was that there might have been people around but I was afraid to try and talk to them, so I was never sure. It might be worth the risk to try a couple of people out, just a little, and see how it goes. If they blow you off or whatever, you can just not try again. But you might be surprised about who can be a support. It can feel like a huge chance to take, but maybe you can sneak up on it. In a lot of places there are crisis lines you can call for free too. You can be in the middle of a long-term crisis like you are and that still counts. As long as you are feeling rotten you can call and those people are all trained to listen and not judge you. It is anonymous. Google it and see what pops up. Even if you never use the number, you will have it just in case you ever want to try.
Second, as you do find people and talk about this, you will learn that there are many people who have a hideous time in their lives, and you will be able to listen to and support them. Not now, but eventually, you are going to be the one who understands others going through unspeakable loss, and be the one to help them find the courage to speak, and move from suffering alone to moving through their pain. I can do that now. I am not suffering with unspeakable loss anymore and I can offer an ear or a hug to others who, just like me, have a really difficult hand dealt to them. It is a way that also heals, maybe finishes up the healing, I am not sure. But it brings me peace to be able to help others who are now where I once was. It helps me feel like at least some good came from that part of the past and that getting through it was worth it.
I wish you all the best as you find your way and send you every kind of comfort I can imagine, hoping that some of that energy reaches and sustains you, even if only for a bit.
Truly yours,
Jesse
