DEAR LISTENER,
I’m gay. My parents are homophobic. I feel depressed, hurt, rejected, awake, hopeful, and responsive. I constantly worry about them finding out and throwing me out. I keep telling myself to just run away before they find out. I can’t deal with this anymore.
I am the difficulty.
Crying in the shower late at night helps. I tend to do that about once every two weeks.
I could leave my life behind and start a new one. But the way I have chosen to work with it is to hide it. Some people are just assholes.
Sincerely,
Student 11
DEAR STUDENT 11,
I am a ridiculously old (now 52—probably something like your parent's age) woman and guess what, I am gay. Don't ask me how that happened, since I come from a very small town where no one apparently has ever heard of that in anything except for a very slanted way. But that's what happened. I often thought that somehow I got miss-delivered. There are other ways I am not much like my family of origin, and yet there are many ways I look a lot like them. It's all quite curious. The pain of not fitting in with them, which is still true, BTW, made it really hard for me when I was growing up. I related totally to your note. Harder still for me was believing that somehow it was because something was wrong with me.
I have thought about this a lot and here is what I want to say:
Welcome to the warriorship!
I have learned that we warriors are forged in these challenging environments. I have had to learn how to hold myself together and put myself first, how to keep going and, most importantly, how not to let my heart turn to stone. I had no idea of this as I was growing up but I understand now- the world needs people like you, like me. We are not accidents. We are here for a reason.
I am not saying this is easy. I staggered out of my first family and it took quite a while to find my bearings and get on some sort of path. It was hard. But now I understand my parent's limited abilities and experiences and I learned something true: Hurt people hurt people. Where I am hurt is where I hurt other people. And so it goes.
But here's what I have learned about it. I know what it is like to go through really hard times and get through them. And that experience is what allows me to truly understand and truly be there with others. I have gotten almost fearless. I know what pain is and it didn't crush me. It opened my heart. And so, mostly, now I am not afraid. I am not afraid to really know people unlike myself and want to help them. I used my experiences to help put together a program in my town for homeless teens. I adopted street kids from a third world country. I have a long-standing friendship with a homeless man. I can't save him but I can see him. I can hear him. I can share in his humanity.
The same is true for disabled kids, old and isolated people, and all the other 'unwanteds'. I know what that's like and I know that it doesn't change a thing about the people. They all have amazing stories and have something to teach me. It is hard to be in the early stages of this life, but wonderful once you get your bearings. There are people just like you and me everywhere. People who will understand. People who know exactly what you mean. My people are not my original family. We are in touch and friendly, now that I have done some healing and can forgive them, but they are not my real people. And now, having started where you are starting, I can say that this is perfectly ok.
FYI, from my work on homelessness, I know that a huge percentage of homeless teens are gay. I was homeless. A huge percentage of homeless and runaway teens are abused, used, in danger, exposed to more trauma, etc. Please speak with a person who you can trust before you run away. It is hard to imagine that things could get worse, but terror and violation are real for homeless and runaway kids (and adults). Data shows that two-thirds of all homeless women are assaulted each year. And more trauma is going to limit your ability to train for the warriorship.
I can't say everything that has helped me heal and be transformed. Time. Reading and learning about others who have also stood out and lived remarkable lives, meditation, journaling, art. There are things which help and I am sure you have already discovered some of these on your own. Finding your people- a teacher, a neighbor, a distant relative, a friend. I recently just found another kindred spirit and it was instant. We understand each other, appreciate each other, laugh a lot. Your people are out there too. Perhaps you have already met a couple.
There is hope. It gets better. And my experience is that it is totally worth it.
I wish you peace and many blessings as you find your way. Be safe.
All will (eventually) be well.
Yours truly,
Jesse
