I care too much about my grades. I obsess about them. I'm afraid of failure.
I took an exam on Friday and I have a bad feeling about how it went. I studied very much, worked hard all year, and did very well on the mock. But I let myself get nervous for the real exam and know I made some mistakes. My parents try to comfort me by telling me that my score doesn’t really matter, but it matters a lot to me because I put in the work and am very goal oriented.
I let whether or not I am a success define my self-worth. Grades happen to be one measure of success, at least in our society.
What feelings arise?
Irritated (at myself and the test-makers)
Disappointed (with myself)
Sulky
Uncertain (about whether or not I did well)
Uneasy
Tense
Frustrated
Reflective
Sincere
Caring (although not showy about it)
How does it affect you?
The prospect of not getting something I really want (success) scares me.
I think about the test and worry about my performance almost every day. Even when trying to relax, the thought of not doing well and reaching my year long goal pops into my head. It’s kept me from falling asleep a couple times.
When I’m upset, I take refuge in learning new skills to make up for what I perceive as a shortcoming in another area.
What is your part?
My part is that I have a problem with caring too much about my grades. I know that it is silly to be upset with a high B or really want to get into a certain college, and wish these weren’t concerns of mine, but I can’t seem to change my mindset.
What are you learning about yourself, others, the situation?
I am learning that I can’t be in 100% control of grades and conditions every day and need a way to respect myself without the validation of grades. My own lack of self-esteem hinders me.
I’ve been carrying my difficulty for most of my life. I don’t know when exactly it started. I remember having a grade obsession as early as 2nd grade.
What can you shift in your perspective?
I can shift my mindset to focusing on being free and in the moment.
How do you choose to work with your difficulty?
I choose to let go and stop worrying so I can enjoy myself until scores come out.
What is this difficulty teaching you?
Relax and let go of things that seem important but are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
16 years, female
