I guess I’m bothered by my closest friends disliking each other.

One of my closest friends (friend #1) dislikes another one of my closest friends (friend #2) due to occurrences from over 4 years ago.

I’ve tried to get them to make amends, but friend #1 is too stubborn and holds grudges for years. I have sided with friend #2 because this person is truly trying their best to make amends and hasn’t done anything wrong this year.

What feelings arise? 

I am annoyed that friend #1 isn’t cooperating.

I also feel hostile when I’m around both of them at the same time.

I am trying not to choose sides now, but it infuriated me that I felt I had to choose a side a lot of the time because usually I’m the friend that doesn’t want to get involved.

I feel uncomfortable about listening to gossip.

How is it affecting you?

I have an emotional strain because I don’t want to upset either of my friends.

I love them equally and I don’t want this to end one of our friendships.

The situation right now is more easy-going as they haven’t really fought.

There is gossiping going around, which I find unpleasant. Gossip in general is usually untrue, mean things, so it kind of goes against my morals.

I would like the situation not to be my business, but this is nearly impossible because my friends constantly complain to me.

What is your part?

I am the friend that keeps the two of them from really fighting with each other. I am basically the peacekeeper.

What are you learning?

I’m a people pleaser. I try to make everyone happy.

I hate it if there is someone not happy or mad at me in general. It’s just the person I’ve been since I was young. I was always told to be kind to everyone. I just feel bad if someone else is disappointed, frustrated, or infuriated. I feel like I should try to change that.

I have learned that I try to be in everyone’s favour, but sometimes it’s not possible.

I am learning to try to just be me and go with what I believe is right.

It’s hard to change other people’s minds. It is nearly impossible at times. The solution sometimes is just let the predicament go.

What can you shift in your perspective?

I’ve heard all the points of view, yet I still think friend #2 is correct. I understand some changes need to be made.

At first I thought I’m going to try to keep everyone less stressed, including myself. I thought that I’m going to try to stop them from hating each other. I’m going to keep us all happy. I thought I could persuade them but I realized I can’t.

Now I have shifted to allowing the two friends to dislike each other and they both know not to consult me about it.

How will you work with your difficulty?

My conclusion to the issue has been to inform both sides there is not much I can do and that we try to fade the animosity away. It is still there, but just not as evident.

What is this difficulty teaching you?

I’m not happy with being uncomfortable. Being in the middle is hard but I can’t mediate the hatred between the two.

16 years, female