Hopes Not Fears…
Journal entry by Michael Nelson —
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” ~ Nelson Mandela
Just over a week ago, Andy had his first round of chemotherapy. We are learning that choices are an important part of the cancer journey. There are the obvious major choices — which medical providers? which treatment approach? Whom to tell? How to react? And then there are the smaller ones, which suddenly take on new significance and challenge. I thought I’d share with you some of last week’s small but important choices.
Just before chemo, Andy chose to go for a jog. He is being encouraged to stay as physical as he can tolerate. And this was his way of choosing health over illness, hope over fear. When he returned, Carly, our Yorkie-poo, did her part of the jog and cleaned Andy up. We don’t know if she does it out of pure affection for him, or because she loves the salt on his head, but it is part of the ritual of his jog, and as you can see, I think Andy loves it! 😉
The days following chemotherapy offered new choices. For example, choosing “what to eat” became hard for Andy for the first time in his life. Finding what sounds good to him, under the influence of the medications, is a new challenge. He has to decide, “Is today pancake day or a reuben day?” — or — “Should I eat to feel less nauseated or not eat at all?” — or — “Should I take my medicine just in case I feel sick or in pain, or should I wait and see?” After a very rough Wednesday, the medicine choice became easier. Stay ahead of nausea and pain. Picking a meal that sounds good is still a tough one.
Wednesday was a low point. Cancer and chemo were hard on his body that day. But on Thursday, feeling a bit better, he chose to get outside and try to jog again. While his decreased energy necessitated walking for parts, he came back victorious saying that he was able to jog for part of it and made it to one of his favorite nature spots on his route. He CHOSE to get outside and try. Those are his feet in the photo with the quote below. He snapped photos to document these literal steps on his journey. The choice to move forward, one step at a time.
As a family we are also working to chose joy whenever possible. Here is one small example. Every weekday morning, my sister, Jenny, who lives in the neighborhood, honks as she drives past our house. She knows Andy is usually up and resting on the couch in the front room — and the three kids are always nearby getting ready for school. One morning this week, we were ready for Jenny. As she drove by we all, including Andy, did a little dance in the window for Jenny in response to her “honk of morning support.” Andy happened to catch a photo of Alex and I front and center, and if you look closely you can see Jenny’s car cruising past. Our little exchange was a brief YAWP of joy. We chose to laugh. We aren’t always laughing. Anyone who has gone on this journey knows that you sometimes have push for those smiles, but when you do it feels soooo good!
Monday night, as we were returning from Mayo Clinic, Andy and I stopped to pick up dinner to take home for the kids. In calling home for an order, Andy could tell that Sophia was sick. All of a sudden it was race to get Andy’s new medications from the pharmacy, call our pediatrician to try and get an after hours appointment for Sophia, and then get back to the pharmacy to get her antibiotics. In all that racing to beat the clock, Andy chose to clean up the kitchen as a surprise for me. And he decided to feed the guinea pigs so I wouldn’t have to do that upon returning after a crazy night. He quickly discovered that we were out of veggies for the pigs. Still wanting to do something nice, he chose to instead write me a poem and put it on the plates that would have held the lettuce for the pets. If you can’t read it in the photo, it says:
To feed fine greens
To Cavy-ish things
Was my goal
for my love betrothed…
Yet discovering bare
The old frigidaire
I settled for hay,
pellets, and H2O.
(Guinea pigs are cavvies.)
Yup, there is always a way to choose kindness. That will be one of my favorite memories from this journey.
We return to Mayo on Monday so Andy can have blood work and a a consult with oncology. If all looks well, then we will return on Friday for his second round of chemo. We are so grateful for the prayers and kind wishes and offerings from all of you. This journey is so much easier with you all along supporting us every step of the way. We are so grateful.
May the Thanksgiving holiday bring you easy choices about what sounds good to eat, and opportunities to choose kindness and joy.
Love and gratitude,
Andy, Michael, Alex, Ella and Sophia